I Might Been Blessed By My Own Ghost.

Erase and Redo.

Dari tadi asyik tekan-tekan keyboard laptop Sophie, melancaukan segala yang terlancau dalam hati. Panjang bejela tak ingat. Kertas-kertas yang tercegat dalam bilik ni pun belum tentu dapat menandingi kepanjangan lancauan aku tadi. Belek dan tilik, rasa kurang masin lah. Tambah garam secubit. Rasa lagi. Em tak ada rasa manis la pulak. Okey takpe, gula pasir satu peket besar pun aku sanggup tuang. Si Teliti sampai, aku dan dia pun sama-sama belek atas bawah. Depan belakang. Kiri kanan. Dia dah bagi lampu hijau. Tengok di bahagian bawah skrin. Sudut kiri. Ada dua kotak sahaja lagi.


Cik Uncertainty, awak memang tak boleh berjauhan dengan saya kan?

Tahap Kepositif-an Diri Hari Ini.

Aku pandang ke tepi. Sophie masih tidur, pengsan lepas berjaga 2 hari. Aku pun masih tak boleh tidur. Walaupun selepas 3 hari berjaga. Aku tak suka rasa macam ni. Rasa restless. Rasa putus harapan dengan semuanya. Bila kau cuba untuk memperbetulkan segala kesalahan yang kau admit kau pernah buat dulu. Tapi akhirnya kau ended up masih mengulangi semua kesalahan dan kesilapan kau. Kau hilang kuasa. Kuasa untuk kawal. Kawal diri kau. Hilang punca. Arah tuju bersepah-sepah. Jalan yang lurus pun kau nampak macam banyak jalan. Pandangan dibiaskan. Nak kemana kau sebenarnya?

Untitled.

The single road once you had trust diverged. Introducing you to two new exit route for the endless highway you had faced before. Options and decisions. Which route will you choose to resume your journey? The first route seems pleasantly welcoming your presence in the atmosphere. The first route promised you with every element you had been searching in the previous journey. To live happily ever after until the end of the route. To be able to seize your day again while traveling on the first route. And the route has promised to never ever left you alone, facing the danger throughout your journey on the first route. The route promised to look after you. Subconsciously blindfolded by all the promising promises given, you have decided to continue your journey on the first route without letting the second route to present its own distinctive speciality. You told that you had bet your soul on the journey when you actually sincerely tied yourself with the journey using friable strings of uncertainty. You still baffled by the decisions you had just made. But the urge for escapism forced you to decide. The feeling of depression and hopelessness forced you to declare the decision quickly. Set yourself to auto-pilot mode. Go with the flow and see where it may lead you to. Unsure with your own decision, you finally take the first step into the “promising” route. Being welcomed by fairies dressed in heart-shaped dress in red and the smell of freshly mowed grass filling up the atmosphere, you really felt welcomed into the community. All the anxious you have felt before slowly disappeared. At once, you can even cere less about how you felt throughout the journey, resultant from the pleasant surroundings. Oh did the beauty hypnotized you?




You think you have met your goal. You think you have successfully lead your life. Applaused and congratulated by uncommon strangers, you are on the top of your own world. You think you’ve won the fight. You think you are walking on the right path. Living in the cold harsh reality was a traumatic experience, you had adopt to live in your own dream subconsciously. “How can it possibly go wrong?”. When you have every single thing you had been dreaming since in your life, when every desire you had before were fulfilled, when each of your wish were granted, slowly you started losing yourself. You started to question everything. Faith and hope no longer your best friend. Trust is the hardest to execute to others.




Sleepwalking, resuming, walking. Deeper into the unknown. Colours of joy soon fades away, replaced with bleaky pale colours of uncertainty. Look around you. Where are you now? Look around you. Why are you standing in a place you have never been before? Look around you.




Gardens once garnished with millions species of tintful flowers that blooms out happiness and excitement now deserted. Fields of greenery once a habitat for fairies of love now anything but a droughted open space. You gasp. You were shocked with the appearance of once promised to be the greatest heavenly heaven throughout the route. Strange, it seems to match with your current feeling. The surrounding have reflected how you actually felt. You stared on nothing. Everything. Nothing. “Did I actually miss any information here?” you asked. Open up your mind. Open up your eyes.Open up your heart. See everything in a different perspective. Suddenly, strips of ignorance fell off, unfold your eyes that had been shut all this while, revealing all the hidden lies you tried to carefully hide it from everyone including yourself. All this while you had been imagining all the attractions throughout the journey. All the fairies, and gardens, and breath-taking panorama and bright skies. All this time you had been living in denial covered with unfinished lies. Desperation and escapism have pushed your once precise judgement to the lowest. Sorry, love but the escape plan didn’t went like you planned before. You are left, trapped inside a translucent bubble of consequences and guilt you had blow from the first time you had set your foot into the false route. Oh no, what should you do now? Turn around, back to square one and start fresh. Or stay, hang on and hope for any miracles to happen. Decisions. Decisions. Are you going to make another wrong decision again?




You used to opt for the wrong solutions. Dealing with the fact that you are living in this constant disrepair, you had been blessed with a shiny armour made from patience and sanctity, with seams of bravery and a shield made from justice and spirit to seek for one’s true self as a reward for all the experience you faced before. With the armour you shall make a precise decision this time. Did anybody mentioned you that you have to pass through The Devil Forest, accompanied with thousands of venomous bees and barbed leaves? Oh yes it really did. But a perfect yet adventurous journey can’t define itself without the presence of typical bulls-like thinking and thorns of words acting as one of many yet to discover resistance. Keep your life the same. Yet leveraging it to match your own perspective. Life is hard and frustration is always an emotion you should really feel and embrace it by converting it into positive signed energy. “Its not about how good you are, Its about how good you want to be.”